Yesterday I decided it was time to break down and let the powers that be at work know of our upcoming baby plans. I was kinda dreading explaining the whole process and answering the nosey questions. Turns out women from 5 cubicles over where listening in to my story and a small crowd gathered around me and the maternity coordinator. "Why India?" "How much did it cost?" "I saw this on Oprah!" "Are your babies going to be Indian?" All I wanted to figure out was how much time off Ruben and I were going to get.
After a lengthy explanation, I was handed a 75 page "Maternity Packet." As I flipped through the packet later in the day, I wondered if anybody was listening to me at all. The packet was clearly not meant for me. Bullet number 9 was "How to discretely express and store your breast milk while at work", while Bullet number 2 explained the importance of not going into labor at work.
Later in the day I marched back into her office. "I'm not lactating, not adopting, and not going into labor. Ruben and I are leaving for India on December 14. What do you need from me?" She had no idea. After a 45 minute phone call to headquarters in Dallas, she still didn't know. Turns out a company with 80,000 employees doesn't have a clue what to do with 2 gay men working for the same company having children via a surrogate in India. Looks like somebody in Dallas is gonna have to get busy making a new folder for this scenario!
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| This must be my HR coordinator. |
Later in the day I marched back into her office. "I'm not lactating, not adopting, and not going into labor. Ruben and I are leaving for India on December 14. What do you need from me?" She had no idea. After a 45 minute phone call to headquarters in Dallas, she still didn't know. Turns out a company with 80,000 employees doesn't have a clue what to do with 2 gay men working for the same company having children via a surrogate in India. Looks like somebody in Dallas is gonna have to get busy making a new folder for this scenario!
Oh boy, could we swap stories!! Good luck with this ...for me it was also a challenge.
ReplyDeleteSo sad! Think of it this way though...you're laying the groundwork so that future intended parents will be able to go to HR, tell them they're having a baby or babies via a surrogate and HR will congratulate them and hand them the surrogacy folder. Won't that be a sweet, sweet day.
ReplyDeleteI long ago got used to almost everything out there being geared towards the female of the species. I don't get it; everything I read talks about how more men than ever are sharing child-rearing duties. So why do all the websites give you "your body this week" updates?
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. Every book I've read so far doesn't even mention fathers or men at all. Maybe this is an untapped market! :)
DeleteMy mind boggles about my fellow HR professionals from around the world. I would never have done this to you Ryan. In preparation for your leave though it's a good idea to get a letter from Dr Shivani advising the approximate birthdate of the twins and stating that you are the primary carers/parents. HR Departments should have got with it by now and changed their documentation to include surrogacy situations. Sounds like they are a bit lazy. Take care xx mel
ReplyDeleteWish I could've just given you a call Mel! If you ever want to move to Dallas, I know of an HR department that could definitely use your expertise!
DeleteI wish you luck in getting the answers you need!! Hopefully HR will use this as an opportunity to make some adjustments to their information :)
ReplyDeleteWe are all groundbreakers I guess. We are having similar issues with work. No one seems to know how to handle this from "maternity" leave, to health insurance, to second-parent adoptions, tax issues,... i don't really want to be a trailblazer but we are all getting to do something most gay couples a decade ago would never dream of so trailblaze we must
ReplyDeleteI must admit I worked for a Government Department that was with the times and had no issues working with the definitions to grant me Surrogacy leave. Even though I was the first they were quick to work it out and I know of another couple that came after me at my work and it was even easier. I know it is frustrating but you won't be the first in your company so you will no doubt be helping someone else. Do some investigation about what you are entitled to Federally (if that is the same in your country) as they 'might' try to offer you less. Pays to be informed (sorry for the pun). Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe learning curve is steep (for many, apparently...), but the reward is so worth it. Luckily my work is progressive enough to kind of have it figured out. Though I still had to weed through some female terminology in the process. Hope you keep the humor of Lily Tomlin as you muddle though it all. GOOD LUCK.
ReplyDeleteSame stuff is happening here in Australia. I know one woman, a Crown Law solicitor, (female even) who had her maternity leave application rejected, so she took the government to the Anti-Discrimination Board of her state .... not sure of the outcome. This is so new to society, it' snot just men facing the discrimination, it's the surrogacy part there is no protocol for. You are paving the way as those you went before you did as well. Hang it there!!! Meg Toby and Mischa xxx
ReplyDeleteI was let go at my company when I tried to get information regarding benefits for IVF treatments (I hadn't even broached the whole surrogacy part). This even though the owner (who also was HR) went through it herself a few years ago. Two men (separate pregnancies) were given baby showers by the company.
ReplyDeleteSo yes, HR can be far worse than unknowledgeable. Hopefully yours will get their ducks in a row quickly. (Boo for them not having a privacy area for you to discuss with them though.)
So crazy. And that pic says it all! Hope they can sort all of this out and make sure you guys are all set for your trip to India!
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