Sunday, July 1, 2012

Stupid Questions

For weeks now we've been getting the same 3 or 4 questions from people curious about what we're going through. I think some people just can't comprehend surrogacy in itself and then you mention India and it really confuses them. I've decided these are my top most annoying questions:

You're having a baby? OMG! What are you going to do?
When I get this question I have to pause. I think one of two things. First I think, well, I guess we're gonna keep it. We did go all the way to India and are spending lots of money to do this so yeah, we're gonna keep it. Besides, it's not like we're 16, went to the drive-in and I came home pregnant. We kinda planned this. Secondly, I think people ask this because we're guys. Deep down, I don't think they have confidence that we can handle it.  I honestly think most people think us guys will do something like this if a woman isn't around to stop us:

How much did it cost?
Maybe I just don't like talking about money but I think it's kinda rude unless I know you very well or you want information because you are researching surrogacy in India yourself. I wouldn't dream of asking you how much your nose job cost so why is it ok to ask me how much I'm paying someone to have my children?

Who's the father?
This one gets me every time. My first response is, "Well we both are of course." Then they want to know who "donated." I find it so awkward. It feels like they are differentiating between who is the "real" father and who is not.  I certainly couldn't do this without Ruben and I don't think he could do it without me. Lately we've just been telling people the surrogate is pregnant with both of our children - since she's carrying twins. Why not just confuse them even more.

Happy Birthday to the love of my life!
You're gonna be the best baby daddy ever!


  1. I can completely relate to the silly questions, sometimes I leave out the India part and sometimes the surrogacy part depending on who I'm talking to. This will only work through first trimester! :) It's far outside of most peoples comprehension of how the world works, byte from peoples stories, it seems some people "get it" much more when your babies actually arrive, like you must show some people how it works not tell them....have a good Monday x

  2. OMG just wait until the baby comes it gets worse. I'm cooking up a post about the questions that get thrown our way...but hands down, the rudest one was on the plane ride home from a woman while Cristina was fussing a bit..she said "where's the mother?" (my evil twin wanted to make them squirm but I basically just said "she's not here"). And yes, the India equation was always tough to comprehend for most people...once the baby (or babies) people completely forget that part. And don't get me started on the "who's the father?" question. That's just maddening and hurtful. Happy birthday Ruben!

    1. On the plane home with Toby who was 4 weeks I overheard some rude cow say in my general direction, "That baby is far too young to be on a plane". So I said in my most polite voice directly to her, "He was born a month ago in India, should I have just left him there?"

  3. Happy birthday to Ruben! Take in the good guys and ignore the bad/rude. I get stupid questions too, people are just people I guess it would be boring if everyone was the same ;) You guys are having babies yay who cares what anyone else thinks! x

  4. Hi Guys

    Stupid questions indeed but don't let them get you down. Your having babies and that is all that REALLY matters. All the best. x

  5. lol! Love it!- trust me, even with being female I also get asked the most ridiculous questions- Where's the mother? (derr I'm right in front of you),when I can be bothered to mention that we'll go to India for baby pick up - people generally roll their eyes and screw up their noses. One recent comment was "they have ultra sound scanners?" and "It doesn't matter if you're baby is Indian" - obviously, no, but if baby is genetically ours and we are Caucasian....then someone has made a mistake somewhere.
    Enjoy the ride!! :)

  6. Ha. Oh just you wait. My personal favorite now when strangers feel the need to talk to us...'Where did you get them?' ...or last week someone followed that question up with '...that one looks Mexican...'

    I told her I got them at Wal-Mart when someone wasn't looking and walked away!

  7. Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday dear Ruben Happy Birthday to you!!!! Laughing at your blog and the questions people ask. You are right they are very stupid questions.

  8. I always thought there were no stupid questions but boy was I wrong. Ok so far, here are some of my favorites:
    Who is the father seems like everyones first question [I used to try and explain it, now I say they mixed together our spermies in a testube]
    Which one of you is going to be the mother?
    Three babies... oh my god (calling over everyone nearby) do you hear they are having three babies!
    What will you tell them [we've got a while to figure that out]?
    Will they be Indian? [Do I ask you to ethnically identify your babies?]
    or better yet Will you raise them as Indian? [what does that mean?]
    How much did this cost you?
    Children... Why would you want to have children?

    Like you said, there is always a hint of how can two men take care of babies and this is coming from some family members who are not exactly up there when it comes to good parenting. As Bill and Doug said, I think it is only going to get much much worse!

  9. Ha! I got one for you too:
    1) When we announced we are having a baby back in Jan. jus the other day a few of his cousins wanted to see what i look like preggers, HA! and then they said "oh i knew she really wasnt pregnant"
    2) when we say we're doing surrogacy, they say is that another type of baby
    3)my fav one is- "oh i knew she was the one with the probelm."

    we'v got tons of them...

  10. Happy Birthday! And yes I too used to think there was no such thing as a stupid question, I was wrong. The worst is the scrunched face and look of disgust while they say "You're having a baby where?!? Have you seen the documentaries?!?". Or "So will the baby have cravings for curry? ".

  11. Does anyone ever ask a pregnant woman who the father is? OMG ... much less what does it cost? Just tell them you're going to call the kids Poppadom and Vindaloo.

  12. Just when you think you have heard it all....people never cease to amaze me...but, unfortunately, usually not in a good way!! One thing about it..apparently there are rude, tactless people on every continent!!! Not just in the usa!!

  13. With the question "What are you going to do? " I think you should open your eyes really wide in surprise and say "you mean we have to do something???"

    People ask rude questions of parents (and say rude things) no matter what the situation. I had my fair share when I was younger.

  14. The questions don't stop, but the good thing is the positive comments become much more frequent after the babies are born and the stupid questions become more tolerable...sort of.

    Just this weekend, we got tons of stupid questions and my babies are nearly 8 months old. I am pretty sure that some of my husband's family think that he went to India, did the dirty deed with some random woman and then we went over there around their birth and stole them from the "real mother". I also got asked why we didn't have to legally adopt them...genetics was my answer.

  15. The first two questions that I'm asked - as soon as the whooooping has died down are (without fail) 1: how the heck did you EVER find out about Surrogacy in India?? and 2: Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?? No - and we don't WANT to know - but for some reason they are always seem really shocked/confused by this - so now wondering if they always understand the difference between surrogacy and adoption??

  16. Can I say I'm glad that the IP's get the stupid questions too, and not just the surrogates?? ;)

    My favorite is when people ask me how much I make as a surrogate. You tell me how much money you make and then I'll tell you, k?? lol

  17. That's great - we both are, they're twins! I love that you are able to keep your sense of humor thru this process! Honestly, I think sometimes that people just don't know what to say and feel like they have to say something. Hang in there with the questions! Best wishes!


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